Heart beats fast, colors and promises. How to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid to fall- but watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow... one step closer... I have died everyday waiting for you, darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more.

The last post finished off on the night of June 18th... so this one will begin at midnight, the beginning of June 19th. 

The doctor and I decided to proceed with the induction, so at 1 am I received my first dose of Cytotec. It is used for cervical ripening and to help stimulate contractions. It takes a while to take effect, so I was planning on trying to sleep for a few hours- it was really difficult! So much adrenaline! We're having a baby! I think I ended up getting 3 hours of sleep- better than nothing I suppose.

Jason arrived early that morning- around 630am or so. We both kept talking about how much we couldn't believe this was happening! We were going to meet our baby! We had waited 37 weeks and 5 days to meet him or her and the day had finally come!

After 3 rounds of Cytotec, I was more than a little uncomfortable. Jason kept offering to rub my back or try to help me through the pain and I refused. I was nauseated, and actually vomited in the trash can on several occasions. I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to be touched. The pain was almost continuous. I would feel an occasional break from it, but it was short lived. My nurse is a friend of mine from work- her name is Maddye, and I kept saying "Maddye, I don't know how I'm being such a baby through this pain, but the only way I can describe it is that is the worst menstrual cramps of my life. I've never felt any cramps this painful. I thought I had a high threshold for pain, clearly not..." Maddye was so supportive through all of this, and I came to find out later that this pain I described as "menstrual cramps" was in fact contractions (VERY strong contractions- more on that later). L&D nurse of the year right here. OMG. I had no idea how I didn't know what contractions felt like... boy, do I feel like an idiot.

Around noon I was finally dilated to 3 cm, and I was able to get my epidural. The anesthesiologist on that day is really good, so I was pretty thrilled to have him placing my epidural. I had helped countless patients through epidural placements, but never experienced one myself first hand. I have to say, it really wasn't that bad. The worst part is truly the numbing part at the very beginning. Otherwise, its just some pressure. Epidural was placed, and the "menstrual cramp" pain was relieved somewhat.

After about a half hour or so, Maddye and the intern (Liz, who I love as well!) came into my room and said ok- "We're going to place the foley bulb {this is a mechanical way to dilate the cervix}, place a foley catheter and start Pitocin." I was ready, and completely on board with the plan... until they placed the foley bulb. I FELT EVERYTHING! Owwwww! Maddye noticed how incredibly uncomfortable I was with the placement of the foley bulb and the catheter so she got the anesthesiologist. He came in and asked if I was really uncomfortable- I said yes... I felt them place both foleys, and my "menstrual cramp" pain was creeping back up again. He said "Ok, we will give you the big guns." Great! Or...not.

The big guns were far more than I anticipated. They were so big that I could not feel the entire left side of my body and I developed a droopy eyelid. Poor Maddye almost had a heart attack when she walked into my room and I was looking stroke-ish saying I couldn't feel anything on my left side. After some investigation, it appears that I developed "Horner's Syndrome" which is a temporary syndrome (it spontaneously resolved within a few hours) that does not typically appear from epidural placement, but they have 29 documented cases of laboring women who received epidurals developing the syndrome. Well, here is number 30 folks. Oh, to be a statistic, how wonderful. Or not. It was actually quite frightening.

After that little bit of drama, Maddye and Liz returned to my room with more news. They knew I was having contractions, but they weren't picking up on the TOCO, so they wanted to break my water and place an internal contraction monitor to measure how frequent and how strong my contractions were. Since by now, I was good and numb (you could've seriously cut my leg off and I would've had no idea) I of course agreed. Within a few minutes of breaking my water, we soon discovered that I was contracting every 1-2 minutes and they were VERY strong! Maddye immediately turned off the Pitocin and we sat back and watched the show. Those contractions were out of this world. Oh, and the foley bulb fell out within about 15 minutes of placing it. I was now 4 cm dilated. Woohoo!

After several hours of these crazy strong contractions, the baby began to have a few decels in the heartbeat. The contractions were so fast and furious that they actually had to give me a medication called Terbutaline to stop the contractions because the baby was not tolerating them. After the Terbutaline, I continued to contract, but much less ferociously. Even with all those contractions, I was still hanging out at about 4-5 cm. Bummer.

After hours at the 4-5 cm mark, they decided to restart the Pitocin. Within minutes, the contractions ramped up again. I was feeling really confident that these contractions would be enough to make some big change. In the meantime, my friend Yesmean (an OB resident) was finishing up her shift at another hospital and was headed over. She wanted to do my delivery, and I wanted her to do it!

By the time Yesmean got there, I had been hanging out at the 5 cm mark for over 3 hours, with limited change. The baby wasn't looking bad, but was looking great. I had a feeling in the back of my mind that things really weren't going to progress and a c-section was becoming more and more of a reality. It was a little bit of a disappointment, but at the same time, I was just kind of ready to meet my baby.

I asked Yesmean to do a check around 930, I said if I'm not any more dilated, then maybe we can discuss the c-section option. She checked, and no change. Shortly after she walked out of the room to consult with the attending, the baby started having some decels again. The baby DID NOT like those strong contractions one bit. I received another dose of Terbutaline to stop the contractions. The Attending physician came in (another friend) and we all mutually agreed that a c-section would be the best option at this point. Oh crap. I'm having surgery! Never in a million years expected to have to have surgery... again, not my best work as an L&D nurse. Whoops.

Jas is all prepped for the OR

I was trying to stay calm as they took me back to the OR... I was a flurry of emotions. I couldn't believe my baby was going to be here so soon. I was scared my epidural wasn't going to work and I was going to feel everything. How bad would my recovery be?! My friend Hadley was now my nurse (as there was a shift change in there), and I was so thankful to have her support. I think she sensed I was nervous, she kept checking in on me and squeezing my hand.

As they were prepping the OR, I couldn't see anything that was going on, but I knew the process. I've been through it so many times before... just not on this side of it. Within a few minutes of getting started, I began to get really nauseous. I know the steps of this surgery pretty well, so even though I wasn't feeling pain, I was feeling pressure and I knew where they were in the process. I think that made me even more nauseated. The anesthesiologist gave me a hearty dose of some Propofol (you may have heard of this medication- Michael Jackson ring a bell?)... and the nausea went away... as well as all of my inhibitions. I was saying some pretty interesting stuff back there in the OR. From there, much of the surgery is a blur.

I remember Jason looking at me the whole time, stroking my cheek and holding my hand. And I remember at 10:35pm when they pulled the baby out and said "It's a girl!"- the look on Jason's face (and in his eyes), even behind the mask showed just how excited he was to have a baby girl. After that though, I remember hearing "She's really small." I got a little panicky, and I think I got another dose of Propofol because things got super fuzzy again.

I remember Jason leaving my side at one point to go see our little girl- he snapped these pictures in the operating room:

Hadley came over and told me that the baby was really small, so she would be alerting the NICU team to come and evaluate her. I was still in shock that I had given birth to small baby. It was completely unexpected, I was measuring right on schedule. There was no way my dates could've been off. Anyway, the NICU team came and saw her and said the due to her size and she was having some difficulty transitioning (breathing fast), they would be taking her to the NICU for monitoring. I was sad, but I just wanted to the best for my baby. 

The most beautiful thing I ever saw

Sedated. But she's looking at me! 

The happy family- even if I can't keep my eyes open

After they took me out of the operating room, I got back to my recovery room and I was feeling crazy nauseated again. Retching with a fresh incision is no bueno. Once they got that settled down, Hadley said she was going to go over to the NICU to check on the baby. She returned a few minutes later... with the baby! I was overjoyed! I can't even begin to tell you how much it meant to me. The NICU team allowed Hadley to take the baby on a little "field trip"- I couldn't keep her long, but I could have her for a few minutes. Hadley went above and beyond and helped me nurse her... and Jas and I decided on a name- Evelyn Kate. It was so fitting for her, she just looks like an Evelyn. We had a few others in mind, but Evelyn just fit her so perfectly. 

The first time Jason got to hold the baby (she didn't have a name then)

So alert!

She was looking all around, taking everything in. 

She has a name! 

After a while, Hadley had to take Ev back over to the NICU- but she promised she'd get me over there as quickly as she could. And she did! I cannot sing Hadley's praises enough. I will never be able to repay her for everything she did for us to make that experience as wonderful as possible. I hope to someday be an L&D nurse as good as Hadley... I truly mean that. 

About an hour and a half or so after the c-section, Hadley took me over to the NICU to spend more time with Evelyn. I was so exhausted and gorky from the medicine. When we got over there, I was surprised to see Evelyn in the isolet (incubator type crib). I was really just thinking she would get a quick check over there, and be released. {Our NICU adventures will be another forthcoming post... or posts}

Snuggling with Ev in the NICU

Isolet

Isolet

Snuggly!

 After our late night snuggles with our new baby, Jas and I settled into our room for the night with plans to head over to the NICU again bright and early and see the baby. I was able to get off the stretcher and into a wheelchair. The pain was there, but the desire to see my baby was greater- so I just kind of pushed down the pain. It was worth it.

Me lookin' swoll... Ev lookin' small... and Hadley lookin' hot as per usual. 

Love! 

Sweet baby girl. 

June 19th... a day I'll never forget. The day my life changed forever. Welcome to the world, Evelyn. We love you more than you'll ever know.