Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on, cause I know I don't belong here in heaven. Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way, through night and day, cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven. Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees. Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please. Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure, and I know there'll be no more tears in heaven. Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on, cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

When I woke up this morning, never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined where my day would go.

Jason, Evie and I had a low key morning. Got some breakfast, ran a few errands and I was just beginning to make some chili before getting ready for work, when my stepfather called me. He doesn't call very often, but I assumed he was wanting to chat about a Christmas gift for my mom or something... Not even close.

He told me that my mother had died.

I heard the words, but I thought it must be a joke. Now, even 6 hours later the news hasn't fully sunk in.

I alternate between tears and calm. Every time I think about her not being around when this new baby is born, or when I think about her not getting to see Evie's next big art project, or seeing a text message from her pop up throughout my day- I collapse in a heap on the floor.

My mother and I have had our ups and downs over the years. I'm extremely hard headed and non-conforming which is the complete opposite of my brother. So, the two of them always had a very special bond. My stubbornness made me a very tough nut to crack... but we had made some tremendous strides in our relationship, especially over the last 6 months or so.

I enjoyed our conversations. Mom was wanting me to teach her how to coupon. I filled her in on the goings on in the ER- she enjoyed those stories. She always asked what was the latest with Evie... and when she heard Evie talking in the background she would say "Hi Evie! Mema loves you." And Evie would wave at the phone. I think I will always hear her saying those words in my head... she really loved being a Mema. Right now those words are crystal clear in my mind, I hope that never fades.

She was so excited for this new baby. Just this week I had a 3D ultrasound and sent her the picture. She was elated. She was talking about his features, including the little cleft in his chin. She was planning to come after he was born to spend some time with both he and Evie. She was just so incredibly excited.

After Evie was born and I was a mess having a baby in the NICU, she ran out right away and bought Evie some premie clothes and diapers to make sure we were prepared. She was always happy and quick to help out when there was a need. She took great joy in it.

Even as I type these words... there is a huge part of me that is still in denial that she is really gone. I wasn't ready. She wasn't sick or in the hospital. We hadn't said our goodbyes.

I'm still not ready. And I would give anything for one more conversation... even 30 seconds. Shoot, even 3 seconds. I just wish I could tell her that I love her one more time.

I suspect I will have more to say in the weeks to come, but for tonight this is all I can muster. My heart is broken in a way that I never really thought possible.

Rest in sweet, sweet peace, Mom.