So many questions but I'm talking to myself. I know that you can't hear me anymore, not anymore. So much to tell you, and most of all goodbye- but I know that you can't hear me any more. It's so loud inside my head with words that I should have said. And as I drown in my regrets, I can't take back the words I never said.
I can't sleep.
It's not often having a newborn around that sleep evades me... but in the wee hours of the morning today, it does.
I'm sure some of you have been anxiously awaiting an update about life with 2 babies... and while I want more than anything to be able to share about the craziness- my heart just isn't there today. And in my efforts to always be authentic, I need to talk about the one thing that I just can't get out of my mind...
Mom.
We are coming up on 3 months since she died now... In so many ways the time has flown, but in so many others it feels like just yesterday.
Even now, 3 months later thinking about her being gone forever takes my breath away. To know that I will never see her, or speak to her again at times is almost too much to bear.
People have told me that they think I'm 'so strong'... being pregnant, and then having a new baby and dealing with a loss like that- I'm not strong at all. Truthfully, some days I don't even want to get out of bed. But what choice do I have? I have 2 little lives that are depending on me to pull my shit together.
One of the most gut wrenching things for me as of late, is knowing that she will never see Evie again, or meet Weston. Evie is this amazing little firecracker of a person- she is a chatterbox now and Mom would get an absolute kick out of seeing her in action. She's a comedian, a dancer and a tiny tot full of exuberant energy. And she reminds me so much of me. Mom would love to see that. And Weston, he is the most laid back and chill guy ever. Lately, he just sits back and watches Evie entertain him. Oh the places they will go... It breaks my heart to know that she won't see either of them grow up.
My grandmother (my Mom's Mom) made the trip that my mom will never make. I'm so thankful that Gammy came and spent that time with us. She and my Mom are really similar in a lot of ways. A lot of the things Gammy said while she was here, I could hear my Mom say. Her presence definitely brought some peace.
I keep looking for a sign... some clue that she is with me still. And thus far, it hasn't come. I like to imagine that she is sitting with me in the living room watching them in action- but I really don't know that she is there.
I reached for my phone to call her the other day, pulled up her name on my phone and everything... and it hit me like a sucker punch to the chest as I said the words to myself - "She is gone, and not coming back."
I could literally call her about the most mundane things going on in my life (I painted my nails today, I got a splinter in my foot, Evie used her new marker set...) and she was always interested to hear what it was. Always.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I talked to her on Saturday, and by Sunday morning she was gone. If I had any inkling that my conversation with her Saturday would be the last I would ever have with her I would've said so much more. Our conversation was brief... and truthfully not great. We weren't fighting, but it was short, concise and to the point without much other chit chat. I guess that just goes to show, sometimes you just never know.
Life is short... and things can change in an instant.
This post really is for me- I had to write down how I've been feeling. I used to journal, but now I just don't really have the time. But, for those that are reading this, let it serve as a reminder that you just never really know- what if tomorrow never comes? Don't leave anything left unsaid.
It's not often having a newborn around that sleep evades me... but in the wee hours of the morning today, it does.
I'm sure some of you have been anxiously awaiting an update about life with 2 babies... and while I want more than anything to be able to share about the craziness- my heart just isn't there today. And in my efforts to always be authentic, I need to talk about the one thing that I just can't get out of my mind...
Mom.
We are coming up on 3 months since she died now... In so many ways the time has flown, but in so many others it feels like just yesterday.
Even now, 3 months later thinking about her being gone forever takes my breath away. To know that I will never see her, or speak to her again at times is almost too much to bear.
People have told me that they think I'm 'so strong'... being pregnant, and then having a new baby and dealing with a loss like that- I'm not strong at all. Truthfully, some days I don't even want to get out of bed. But what choice do I have? I have 2 little lives that are depending on me to pull my shit together.
One of the most gut wrenching things for me as of late, is knowing that she will never see Evie again, or meet Weston. Evie is this amazing little firecracker of a person- she is a chatterbox now and Mom would get an absolute kick out of seeing her in action. She's a comedian, a dancer and a tiny tot full of exuberant energy. And she reminds me so much of me. Mom would love to see that. And Weston, he is the most laid back and chill guy ever. Lately, he just sits back and watches Evie entertain him. Oh the places they will go... It breaks my heart to know that she won't see either of them grow up.
My grandmother (my Mom's Mom) made the trip that my mom will never make. I'm so thankful that Gammy came and spent that time with us. She and my Mom are really similar in a lot of ways. A lot of the things Gammy said while she was here, I could hear my Mom say. Her presence definitely brought some peace.
I keep looking for a sign... some clue that she is with me still. And thus far, it hasn't come. I like to imagine that she is sitting with me in the living room watching them in action- but I really don't know that she is there.
I reached for my phone to call her the other day, pulled up her name on my phone and everything... and it hit me like a sucker punch to the chest as I said the words to myself - "She is gone, and not coming back."
I could literally call her about the most mundane things going on in my life (I painted my nails today, I got a splinter in my foot, Evie used her new marker set...) and she was always interested to hear what it was. Always.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I talked to her on Saturday, and by Sunday morning she was gone. If I had any inkling that my conversation with her Saturday would be the last I would ever have with her I would've said so much more. Our conversation was brief... and truthfully not great. We weren't fighting, but it was short, concise and to the point without much other chit chat. I guess that just goes to show, sometimes you just never know.
Life is short... and things can change in an instant.
This post really is for me- I had to write down how I've been feeling. I used to journal, but now I just don't really have the time. But, for those that are reading this, let it serve as a reminder that you just never really know- what if tomorrow never comes? Don't leave anything left unsaid.
This song plays on repeat in my mind pretty often... Skylar Grey- Words.
The longer I stand here
The louder the silence
I know that you're gone but sometimes I swear that I hear
Your voice when the wind blows
So I talk to the shadows
Hoping you might be listening cos I want you to know
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