Up and awake cause it haunts me, that I never got to say what I wanted... Oh my God, Oh my God." Capsize, by Frenship
2 years... 2 years. In so many ways it feels like it was just yesterday and in so many ways it feels like it happened 20 years ago. So much life has happened since her passing.
It's not fair.
I wrote a blog post last year at the one year mark, I just re-read it this morning and boy was I angry. I don't feel that same depth of anger this year.
The tears come less often, the 'almost calling her but realizing I can't' come less often, the pain is less raw. Now, I still have good days and bad, I'm sure that's normal... But I feel like I've come more to a place of acceptance than of anger.
I can talk about her without crying (sometimes...most times).
Last night we went to Evie's preschool Christmas performance. She was absolutely adorable. She did a bow and a curtsy at the end of every song. Little miss personality right there. Mom would've LOVED to see that. I had the other grandparents there, they had out their cameras and Evie was waving from the stage "Hi Mimi, Hi Boppa, Hi Grammy, Hi Pappy..." waving to each one down the line and it breaks my heart that she will never know her MeMa. I have the memories, and saw how much her grandmother loved her- but Evie never will remember.
A few friends have lost parents in the last year. With my mother's death, I had no warning. I texted with her not even 12 hours before she died. The conversation was brief and to the point... and I didn't close with "I love you"- I just left it open. I am angry with myself for that... That's a very tough pill for me to swallow and I can't go back change it. For friends who have had parents that are in ill health I have pleaded with them to "Please leave nothing unsaid. Make sure you will have no regrets after their passing that you have said every single thing that you wanted to say." The pain of the loss is enough, you don't need the regret of a missed opportunity to express yourself to a sick and dying loved one too.
For those that don't know, my mother died of an accidental overdose on prescription opioid (narcotic) pain medication. I have never gone public with that, but close friends and family have known. Those that have a problem with addiction whether it be alcohol, drugs, food- are so heavily stigmatized, going fully public with the cause of her death has been something I've been afraid to do. I'm a nurse for God's sake? How could I lose my own mother to something like this?? I have feared that I would be stigmatized too... But I don't care. These things need to be said.
The stigma points very nasty fingers at the addict. I've heard people say particularly about heroin addicts that "we should just let them kill themselves, there's no need for Narcan (a reversal for opioids) to be kept on the EMS trucks or purchased over the counter at the pharmacy. Just let them die. Natural Selection." When I hear those words, I want to scream. It's like a kick in the gut! What I'm going to tell you right now, is that people do not want to live this way. Being an addict is a horrible, scary and vicious cycle and NO ONE would willingly choose that life.
In the throes of their addiction they may not look like much- but at one point they held jobs, had families, had a life. They aren't scum. They're sick. Addiction is a disease, not a state of mind.
Did you know that heroin addicts most often got their start with opioids from pills? Most people don't wake up one day and say "I'm going to do heroin." Just like most people don't wake up one day and say "I'm going to become an alcoholic today." It starts with just "one sip"... "one pill."
These people need help. They need understanding. They need compassion. They need you to love them. Even when they can't love themselves. And, they need you to name it.
A friend of mine had a daughter that was addicted to heroin. She told me that her daughter recently shared with her that she absolutely hated herself while she was on heroin. She hated the person she saw in the mirror. Hated. Her daughter made it out- she went through extensive rehab (more than once) after her parents cleared out their retirement funds to send her there... and she has been sober for a few years now. She was one of the lucky ones.
But, in the state of Ohio alone, 1 person dies...DIES, every 3 hours of an opioid overdose (this includes pills and heroin). That statistic brings chills down my spine. It should bring chills down yours too.
These people aren't just a statistic... they are someone's daughter, friend, brother, sister, son, father...MOTHER. Each overdose death brings more pain to an entire family. And there is no going back and changing it. The book is written and closed. Even if that means the person was only 18... or 31... or 54.
As I mentioned before, with an addict, they need you to name it. With my mother, the signs of a problem were there. I should've done more. I think I kept thinking that if I ignored it, it would go away. Clearly that wasn't the answer. So, that's why I'm sharing all of this with you. If you suspect something, say something. Be persistent. If you don't believe them, push harder. And if you know an addict, love them. And love them hard. Because I can promise you, they don't love themselves right now.
Thanks for reading this. I would be happy to talk to anyone about this further if you have questions.
It's not fair.
I wrote a blog post last year at the one year mark, I just re-read it this morning and boy was I angry. I don't feel that same depth of anger this year.
The tears come less often, the 'almost calling her but realizing I can't' come less often, the pain is less raw. Now, I still have good days and bad, I'm sure that's normal... But I feel like I've come more to a place of acceptance than of anger.
I can talk about her without crying (sometimes...most times).
Last night we went to Evie's preschool Christmas performance. She was absolutely adorable. She did a bow and a curtsy at the end of every song. Little miss personality right there. Mom would've LOVED to see that. I had the other grandparents there, they had out their cameras and Evie was waving from the stage "Hi Mimi, Hi Boppa, Hi Grammy, Hi Pappy..." waving to each one down the line and it breaks my heart that she will never know her MeMa. I have the memories, and saw how much her grandmother loved her- but Evie never will remember.
A few friends have lost parents in the last year. With my mother's death, I had no warning. I texted with her not even 12 hours before she died. The conversation was brief and to the point... and I didn't close with "I love you"- I just left it open. I am angry with myself for that... That's a very tough pill for me to swallow and I can't go back change it. For friends who have had parents that are in ill health I have pleaded with them to "Please leave nothing unsaid. Make sure you will have no regrets after their passing that you have said every single thing that you wanted to say." The pain of the loss is enough, you don't need the regret of a missed opportunity to express yourself to a sick and dying loved one too.
For those that don't know, my mother died of an accidental overdose on prescription opioid (narcotic) pain medication. I have never gone public with that, but close friends and family have known. Those that have a problem with addiction whether it be alcohol, drugs, food- are so heavily stigmatized, going fully public with the cause of her death has been something I've been afraid to do. I'm a nurse for God's sake? How could I lose my own mother to something like this?? I have feared that I would be stigmatized too... But I don't care. These things need to be said.
The stigma points very nasty fingers at the addict. I've heard people say particularly about heroin addicts that "we should just let them kill themselves, there's no need for Narcan (a reversal for opioids) to be kept on the EMS trucks or purchased over the counter at the pharmacy. Just let them die. Natural Selection." When I hear those words, I want to scream. It's like a kick in the gut! What I'm going to tell you right now, is that people do not want to live this way. Being an addict is a horrible, scary and vicious cycle and NO ONE would willingly choose that life.
In the throes of their addiction they may not look like much- but at one point they held jobs, had families, had a life. They aren't scum. They're sick. Addiction is a disease, not a state of mind.
Did you know that heroin addicts most often got their start with opioids from pills? Most people don't wake up one day and say "I'm going to do heroin." Just like most people don't wake up one day and say "I'm going to become an alcoholic today." It starts with just "one sip"... "one pill."
These people need help. They need understanding. They need compassion. They need you to love them. Even when they can't love themselves. And, they need you to name it.
A friend of mine had a daughter that was addicted to heroin. She told me that her daughter recently shared with her that she absolutely hated herself while she was on heroin. She hated the person she saw in the mirror. Hated. Her daughter made it out- she went through extensive rehab (more than once) after her parents cleared out their retirement funds to send her there... and she has been sober for a few years now. She was one of the lucky ones.
But, in the state of Ohio alone, 1 person dies...DIES, every 3 hours of an opioid overdose (this includes pills and heroin). That statistic brings chills down my spine. It should bring chills down yours too.
These people aren't just a statistic... they are someone's daughter, friend, brother, sister, son, father...MOTHER. Each overdose death brings more pain to an entire family. And there is no going back and changing it. The book is written and closed. Even if that means the person was only 18... or 31... or 54.
As I mentioned before, with an addict, they need you to name it. With my mother, the signs of a problem were there. I should've done more. I think I kept thinking that if I ignored it, it would go away. Clearly that wasn't the answer. So, that's why I'm sharing all of this with you. If you suspect something, say something. Be persistent. If you don't believe them, push harder. And if you know an addict, love them. And love them hard. Because I can promise you, they don't love themselves right now.
Thanks for reading this. I would be happy to talk to anyone about this further if you have questions.
I am an active heroin addict. I got started with prescription painkillers for an 80% l4 l5 herniated disc n my lower back. I've lost everyone and everything I ever loved. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Thank you for sharing ur story. I hope ur words begin to open some people's eyes to this tragic disease. None of us want to live this way I promise.
ReplyDeleteI just thought of you... I hope you're doing ok.
Delete