And I still haven't found what I'm looking for...

I hardly recognize the girl in this picture. Sure, it looks like me... pretty much. I was 8 months pregnant then. It was only 3 years ago... But there is a light in my eyes that I just can no longer see when I look in the mirror.

This photo was taken just 2 weeks before my mother died unexpectedly. I was in another place- and it's a place I have resigned myself to the sad fact- that I will never get back to.

I've shared before that my mother and I shared a tumultuous relationship. A series of highs and probably more lows than the average mother-daughter pairing. But, it was all I knew for 3 days shy of 32 years. And on that fateful day, it all stopped. Not only the end of the chapter, but the end of the book. Period. The End.

Silence.

And the day she died, a part of me died too.

I've hoped that I could get that piece back with time, but I've realized that hope is futile. The death of my mother has changed the way I look at life. And also the way I look at death. And death now scares the shit out of me.

I had a patient that I really connected with die a few weeks back. I've replayed my last interactions with him over and over. Did I try my best to care for him with love and care? Could he sense that? Is there something that I could have or should have said differently that would've made him feel genuinely cared for in his final days? I grappled with the pain of another life cut too short- he was around the same age as my mom. Working with cancer patients now, I'm sure I will grapple with this regularly. 

My mother's death has created a deep void that nothing can really fill. My friends, my family and my adoring husband have all tried- but they just can't. It is not and will not ever be the same.

My mother's death has changed the way I view myself. A temporary being with a ticking time clock. What a morbid thought... who am I now? I used to live my days carefree and without fear.

In life- I struggle with decisions I never used to waver on. I have always flown by the seat of my pants... and now I find myself second guessing decisions... Job? School? What to have for breakfast? As I continue to seek my purpose in this life, I question myself now more than I ever have. The abundant self confidence I once had, second guesses itself pretty often. 

I don't think about her every minute... except the minute that matters. The minute that it would be so reassuring to know that her ear was listening. The minute that I yearn for my mother's attempts at being a calming presence or offering words of advice... even if I didn't follow it. In those moments I used to sense her love most, I could feel it in my core. And for 3 years I haven't. Not one glimmer. And I never will again.

Each of those minutes that matter, I'm reminded of the closing of the book. The end of the story. The End.

And the girl in that picture... She still had that. And she didn't even know that just a few short weeks later she wouldn't anymore. Oh, how I envy that girl.