A witty saying proves nothing. ~ Voltaire

Ah! touché Voltaire. The jokes on you. You thought I actually had something witty to say or important to prove!

Putting the "class"  in classy

In honor of our great nation I decided that I should provide a current state of the union for our household in preparation of the upcoming baby arrival. Additionally, much like the actual State of the Union speech, at times, I will use wanton disregard for any and all truth and just say whatever sh*t pops into my head.

Here are some of the key issues we are currently dealing with.

The hostile takeover of the marital bed.

A pinko-commie rogue operator (Steph) has been hell-bent on taking over the entirety of the sleeping surface of the bed. Her unwavering resolve for dominance of the entire bed has lead to acts of torture including using a device called the “body pillow”. In short, this device is inserted between the “cheeks” right at the moment you are to fall into a deep slumber. This will not only startle you fully awake but induce an extreme paranoia as to when the next attack is coming. The torture will be so bad you will end up wishing you were at Gitmo just to get some peaceful rest. I am currently exploring diplomatic sanctions (such as withholding sour foods and Trader Joes coconut lotion) in an attempt to resolve this conflict peacefully. If not I will be forced to send in the drones.

The “Breaking of the Barrier”

If you are unfamiliar with this subject please see the video HERE. Lets just say there has been a marked increased in “barrier breaking” since the inception of the pregnancy. Also, it takes on a very visceral quality when it moves from the realm of hear and smell, to taste and feel. In all honesty I guess what this means is that our house has finally become the Obamacare of breaking the barrier. Everyone has an equal opportunity to give and to receive.

Babies In Relationship to Food

So I have been tracking the size of Lil G with multiple apps, which for some reason insist on telling me the size of the baby in terms of a piece of food. This can be a little awkward because my thoughts of Lil G are now inextricably linked to fiber rich fruits, which I previously only associated with my ability to have a successful bowel movement.

Teaching the Baby In Utero

There are varying schools of thoughts on whether reading to a baby before it is born will help with its development. I figured it couldn’t hurt (well that much anyway), so I have started reading to Steph and Lil G at night before we go to bed. This has been a little difficult because normally I only focus on books with pictures, or magazines with pictures. (Yes it does bring me shame that these magazines with pictures normally come wrapped in plastic). I tried sharing some amazing scientific discoveries with them (reading my thesis) but both Steph and Lil G fell asleep (jerks).

Choosing a Baby name

Has everyone ever Googled how to choose a baby name? My goodness there are some many people with opinions of how to choose a baby name (and you know what they say about opinions, they are like a$$holes- everyone has one and most of them stink). Honestly, if you tried to follow all of them, or even most, you would be so wracked with fear the kid would be filing for social security before it had a name (Ha! You think social security is going to be around that long?!?). Anyway, I know some of you have been excited to find out our potential names. What we have decided on are names that can be used for either a boy or a girl since we don’t want to find out the gender. So here goes:

“Blue Anastatia Christian Steele Grey Ivy Colt Winchester Smith and Wesson Garee-Ittner-Garee”

Its nickname will be: “Fred”

You think I’m joking, don’t you. Wait and see.

One last quote to ponder:

I’m a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more luck I have.
~ Thomas Jefferson

Until next time,

-Jas